I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
