We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
