I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
