You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
