White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
