Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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