i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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