mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
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You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
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We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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