Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Randomize
