to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I checked into jail on foursquare
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
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I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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