should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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