You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
