i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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