Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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