I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
no, he came in my armpit
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Randomize
