We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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