i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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