My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
