I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
