There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
