You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
