And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
well I can't set my house on fire every night
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
