i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
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That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
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You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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