Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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