Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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