my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
