I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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