Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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