At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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