she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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