And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
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She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
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One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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