Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
