the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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