Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
