I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
29 Unspoken Rules Of “Bro Code”
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.