I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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