there's paper in my vomit.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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