So drunk its hurt
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I am available for nakedness
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
