did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
