I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
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Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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