I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
