Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
