We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
