I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
