when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
