Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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