Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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