Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
