everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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