Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
