I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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