I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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