Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
