i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
