I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
