allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I've blown a few things in my day
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
