Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
